hallucinating bruno mars

in which I discover Bruno Mars as I’m hallucinating while waiting for a prescription in the shittiest Rite Aid in all of Astoria, NY.

Earlier this year, due to a perfect storm of dumbshit decisions, I got a kidney infection. Yay. So, after being diagnosed with said infection, my doctor submitted a prescription for some Cipro to the only drug store near my home subway stop, which was the aforementioned shitty Rite Aid. I walk in, and they say they never received my prescription, don’t give half a hairy shit about me or my prescription, and are generally the most unhelpful yatches ever to walk the planet.

Ah, New York.

I’m in a lot of pain. A LOT. I am exhausted from walking all over Manhattan and Astoria to get to and from my doctor’s office. I am not thinking clearly. The pharmacist tells me it is going to be more than an hour before they can even bother to call my doctor to ask about the Rx, much less fill my prescription. It is 3/4 of a mile from the pharmacy to my house, and I seriously doubt I’m going to make the walk once, much less three fucking times.

I start to cry. Because really, what is left to do in that particular situation?

A tiny, wizened elderly Greek cashier finally comes behind the counter and asks me what’s wrong. I manage to get it out, and she pats my hand, and sits me down on the waiting benches near the pharmacy, with a bunch of other tiny old Greek ladies who are all waiting for their meds. (or just hanging out. I couldn’t tell. There are Greek choruses hanging out all over Astoria for no discernible reason.)

At this point, I begin to hallucinate. Fun times, man, fun times.

So I’m leaning back against the cold, hard, plastic seat, trying to avoid putting pressure on my kidney, and close my eyes. The radio station that’s playing really shitacular contemporary pop songs songs over the PA system in the store suddenly begins playing what sounds like a Police song I’d never heard before. Which is weird, because I know all the Police songs backwards and forwards, even if I’m effing hallucinating. But it isn’t Sting singing on this track. It’s somebody who sounds kind of like Michael Jackson.

Now I KNOW I’m hallucinating. But I think maybe this whole kidney infection thing isn’t so bad, because, hallucinating MJ singing on a Police track? FUCK YEAH.

(side note: when I was 16, and having a series of brain MRIs done, I started hallucinating symphonies while in the machine. It rocked.)

I drift along with the song, and nearly cry again when it’s over, because it’s so beautiful. The DJ doesn’t announce it, and I have no idea what it is. The kindly Greek cashier apparently berates everyone at the pharmacy into taking care of me, so I leave shortly thereafter.

Forgetting everything about the song except for the guitar riff, I staggered home and collapsed into bed. Over the course of the next few days, I tried searching for it, and was further convinced that I’d been hallucinating, as I couldn’t find it. Of course, trying to search google for a guitar riff is pretty difficult.

Anyway, a while later, still recovering, I pulled up The Voiceon my computer, and watched some back episodes. (it’s a guilty pleasure. don’t judge) Lo and behold, on one of the battle rounds, two people duetted on the song. I immediately started doing mad google searches, and found out it was Bruno Mars’ songLocked out of Heaven.

I was surprised. I’d sort of known about Bruno Mars before, because of the songs Just the Way You Are and The Lazy Song both of which I thought were cute fluff, but didn’t really pay attention. I kind of vaguely clued in when he got arrested in Vegas for drug possession, and said that he wasn’t that type of guy (yeah, riiiight), but again, ignored, for whatever reason.

I immediately bought Unorthodox Jukebox, the album that the song is on, and put it on constant rotation. Love. Love, love love this album. Mars uses a bunch of different styles of music, and manages to blend them fairly seamlessly, with his excellent artistic vision. Almost every track is a standout, however, a few I can’t listen to because they’re so depressing. Like Young Girls and Money Make Her Smile. Mr. Mars, I do believe you is hanging out with the wrong wimmin. (yeah yeah, and you’re having a lot of fun doing so, but Jesus, dude…)

Other than Locked Out of Heaven my favorites are Treasure, a frothy 70s style pop throwback (and yes, baby squirrel is a sexy motherfucker), Gorilla, which is an excellent take on raw sex, and I LOVE his vocals on it (Love singing along with it, but seriously, an octave lower), Show Me, a fun reggae-ish song, and If I Knew, a 50s harmonizing throwback ballad, and just pure awesome.

Here’s the video for Treasure. They look like they’re having so much damn fun… This video was made possible through the purchase of approximately 1 kilo of cocaine: 

So yes, I highly recommend listening to this album, even when you’re not hallucinating. His other album, Doo Wops & Hooligans, (the one with the ultra fluffy songs on it) is pretty good too. Even has some exceedingly non-fluffy songs, like Liquor Store Blues, which makes me so happy to think about hordes of 13 year old girls listening to it after they got suckered in by Just the Way You Are. 

Man, this post would have been so much cooler if I’d been hallucinating for a good reason (like drugs). Or, you know, on purpose. Or something.